‘Riverdale’ Recap: A PG-13 Grope Fest

Not gonna lie, it’s been one giant shit show of a week for me, and literally, the only thing keeping me going rn is the hope that Cheryl might get more than three minutes of screen time on tonight’s episode of . I’m realizing now that maybe I should dream bigger. CW, you’ve been warned. Anyway, shall we get started?

Well, fam, I did not think that 20 seconds into this recap I’d go into a full-on rage blackout, but here we are, because WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I LOOKING AT RN? DID JUGHEAD AND TONI FUCKING SLEEP TOGETHER??? Did they?? Toni, you little serpent slut. Seriously wishing a fate worse than those hair extensions upon her.

Meanwhile Betty—poor, innocent, still-has-her-hymen Betty—goes to check on Chuck Bass Nick St. Clair and he’s… absolutely fine. Did she or did she not say, “Fry him,” to The Black Hood last episode? I’m v confused. What kind of mind games is The Hood playing here?? I was fully prepared to see some fuckboy carnage tonight, and you’re telling me that now the mass murderer isn’t pulling through? Men, you can’t trust them.

The Hood says Nick doesn’t count as an actual sacrifice because he’s not technically from Riverdale, and I’m really starting to think The Hood might actually be my ex-boyfriend, because he was also into technicalities. Like technically, it’s not cheating if we were on a break my back was turned for 2.5 seconds.

Mrs. Blossom sabotages Cheryl’s attempted rape complaint, and it’s the most fucked up thing I’ve seen on this show since two sets of parents didn’t tell their children that they were related to the person they were sleeping with. Mrs. B must still be salty about Cheryl setting their entire house on fire.

VERONICA: How are you doing?

CHERYL: I’m fine.

ALSO CHERYL:

God, anytime Toni’s face comes on the screen it just reminds me that I’m not allowed to have nice things in this world. Like an unhealthy obsession with two fictional characters and their relationship Bughead. Toni says her romantic night with Jughead was actually more of a “PG-13 grope fest,” which sounds a little like the game of “just the tip,” but ya know, to each their own.

Betty is such a fucking narc. I can’t believe she got parents involved after that wild party. Aside from the Jingle Jangle, the only thing criminal happening there was Archie and his dance moves. I don’t blame Veronica for playing the “did you hear something, Archie? Because all I hear is a SKANK” card every time Betty spoke.

Okay WHAT is Jingle Jangle?? It’s still unclear. Is it ecstasy? Heroin? Why does it stay in your system for three to four days after consumption other than for convenient plot purposes for the writers? These are the questions I have.

Archie warns Jughead about Mayor McCoy raiding South Side High. He keeps telling Jughead he needs to GTFO before the cops come and it’s like, does Archie know this is not how raids work? Like, Jughead can’t just go to jail for having shitty taste in hats.

Betty gets another call from The Hood, and he wants her to track down a drug dealer called “The Sugar Man” who is known for taking kids to his candy shop and letting them lick the lollipop. I paraphrase.

THE HOOD: If you want me to stop calling, all you have to do is track down a drug lord that Riverdale PD hasn’t been able to catch for 20+ years.

BETTY: I’m literally a high school sophomore who runs the school newspaper. That’s it.

Okay, Cheryl looks like an actual queen in that one piece, despite the fact that there’s no way that getup can be seasonally appropriate. Betty spends all of two seconds pretending to give a shit about Cheryl’s almost sexual assault before she’s like, “Ever heard of The Sugar Man??” For God’s sake Betty, have some fucking tact.

Oh, OF COURSE The Sugar Man is a scary bedtime story Cheryl’s parents told her. These are the same people who have a weird redhead fetish and encouraged a twincest-esque relationship between their kids. It’s all starting to make sense now.

So I guess The Serpents are really are as dumb as those cut-off jean vests alluded to. Good to know. They decide to team up with their rival gang, The Ghoulies, even though they’re pushing Jingle Jangle to all the kids.

JUGHEAD: He’s a pusher! He pushes people!

Meanwhile, Cheryl discovers The Sugar Man in the creepiest child’s drawing I’ve ever seen. Though I’m not at all surprised this drawing is an artifact from her childhood. Her parents are right up there with the DiLaurentis’ as far as creep levels go.

Betty finally does something smart and tells Veronica about her booty call The Black Hood and his insane demands. Veronica gives advice that would be more appropriate if Betty was actually talking about her psycho ex. Typical. Veronica is like, “He only calls you late at night and he doesn’t respond to your texts for days? Girl I’ve been there,” and it’s like, Veronica, you do realize we’re talking about a mass murderer here right?

YASSSS. DADDY IS HOME. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen any signs of my favorite DILF FP Jones, and I could not be more pleased.

Is FP’s advice to solve a GANG WAR AND POTENTIAL DRUG EPIDEMIC really to challenge The Ghoulies to an illegal street race? Really?? I know this worked when the T-Birds faced off against The Scorpions, but I have a feeling that was more of an anomaly than an actual rule of thumb when it comes to finding solutions for these type of situations. All I know is that if The Pussycats don’t do a rendition of “Greased Lightning,” then this is a missed opportunity on The CW’s part, tbh.

Lol at Jughead trying to intimidate this man in a bathrobe with Archie as his backup. Also, Archie, you haven’t played football since the pilot; I think you can retire your letterman jacket at least at the gang meetings.

And of course, the drug dealers find Betty and Veronica sneaking around the premises. Did these thugs just refer to Betty and Veronica as Jughead and Archie’s “bitches?” I’m starting to think the writers of are getting their dialogue from early 00’s hip-hop.

Elsewhere, Cheryl spots Nick and his paisley tie at Pop’s, and I sincerely hope she treats him with the same respect she treated all of her earthly belongings at the end of season one. That’s literally all I ask for.

Wow, Mrs. Blossom is an actual bitch for paying off her daughter’s would-be rapist. Like, I know she burned down your home of 20 years and threatened you when you were in the burn unit, but that’s no excuse.

Is this the first time Betty is seeing Jughead since the breakup? I wouldn’t have picked those butchy looking overalls for the occasion, but okay. Also, lol that she’s suddenly a mechanic who knows how to rebuild an engine.

Veronica finally tells her parents about the whole Nick thing, and I have mixed feelings about it. Like, this boy is definitely going to end up dead now, right? But also, he’s a would-be rapist, so I’m also here for it? Man, is really forcing me to ask the hard questions in life, huh?

The drag race starts, and it is extra. I didn’t realize that the secret to good gang relations was reenacting classic musicals, but you learn something new every day.

KEVIN: Not the type of drag race I thought I’d go to, but the guys here are much hotter.

Kevin is me. I am Kevin.

Betty is acting like a manipulative bitch, telling Jughead she still loves him before he’s about to illegally drag race for the fate of Riverdale. I’m sure that won’t distract him at all. I’ve never been prouder of her.

Quote of The Episode: “Not today, Cha Cha. I was born for this moment.”

Jesus Christ, Archie, you had one fucking job. To sit there and look pretty be Jughead’s number two and follow his lead, and you couldn’t even do that right.

The Ghoulies get arrested for street racing, and it’s all Archie’s fault. Surprise, surprise. Jughead is pissed, and honestly, it’s his own fault for trusting that dumb, beautiful face with the important job of doing absolutely nothing.

Cheryl finally shakes down her mother enough to figure out who the Sugar Man is, and if the town of Riverdale is anything like the real world, then he will most certainly be a white man in power. Looking at you, Sheriff Keller.

Wait, I am LIVING for this version of Betty talking to The Black Hood rn. She’s like, “Do you feel me now? I’m breathing down your neck, bitch, and you’re next.”

BETTY: 

ME:

The Sugar Man is South Side High’s English teacher?? That actually makes a lot of sense, if only because teachers are poor and need a side hustle.

Okay, Fred is going to have a pill addiction this season, I’m calling it now. I can’t wait for Archie to use this as an excuse to build a shirtless militia against doctors and prescription drugs. Should be lit.

The Lodges arrange for the St. Clairs to get into a car accident, and Veronica is just like, “Oh well.” If this is the start of Dark Veronica, then I am here for it.

Wait, are Betty and Jughead back together? Did The CW just cheat me out of an emotional reunion and a possible dry humping session on Jughead’s kitchen counter? DID THEY? Once again, I’m livid. 

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